I’ve got, two tickets to paradise, and if you bring a vibrator I might just cum!
Yeah, I chant that line in my head a lot when I’m not in my city and in the need for sex. Though, I provide my own toys. The greatest gift of this past calendar year for me has been traveling. More specifically, traveling with a nice side of sex. However, if you haven’t noticed, I’m not a bar girl; I don’t go places to let men pick me up. That’s just not me. So, for all of you slightly shy or no nonsense gals/guys, have I got some tips for you on using social media/the internet to get someone in your pants.
How should I find my marathon sex partner, you ask?
That’s a fan-fucking-tastic question; I’m glad you asked! I will use craigslist or tinder. However, they both have pros and cons.
Tinder: immediate responses once you change your bio to say you’re in town and looking for a fling or when you shoot a pic for a moment of a bottle of tequila with the phrase “want to help me finish this and start something else?” If someone comes on too strong, unmatch. Annoying? Unmatch. Accidentally swiped right? Unmatch.
Craigslist: you can be direct with what you want. If you want a man with 6 pack abs and a decent cock, there’s a guy out there that will fit the bill. You also don’t have to swipe; you just have to read and judge whatever pictures they send you. Easy, right?
Both: one night stand sex from the local cuisine! Just wrap it before you tap it!
Tinder: maybe no one you’ve matched with wants sex, or they want it the following day. Bitch, I have a plane tomorrow and the vagina train is wet and ready right the fuck now. If you’re too pushy, they’ll unmatch you. Or, knowing you’re horny, they’ll want to see pictures of your lady/male bits and never intend to meet up. This has happened too much in my life and now I’m just like, ehhh nope.
Craigslist: flakes. So many flakes. You try to arrange it early, and then something comes up, they get sick, or they just stop texting you back.
Both: looking nothing like their pictures; that is the single most annoying thing. You’re 40 without any wrinkles or gray hair and your photo looks like a zoomed in early 2000s digital photo? You must look the same!
Now, for those of you thinking that you should take that weekend trip somewhere full of those exotic men you’d love to see between your legs, here are some tips/pointers from the Daring Vagina:
Condoms. Bring them. Bring all of them. I went on my first condom buying experience before a trip (we’ll talk about that later) and it finally made absolutely no sense to me why men are like, I don’t want to buy a pack. Mother fucker, it’s cheaper than a screaming infant or my birth control.
Traveling with toys in a carry on? I personally say “hell no,” but maybe you want to travel with that 11 inch red dildo and make TSA blush the same shade. I always take out my batteries, bring extra batteries, and my charger in my checked luggage.
Sexy time clothes. These aren’t always a must, but, if you’re planning out a fantasy with a guy from craigslist, bring all the items. If you want to live up that boyfriend experience, bring the necessary clothes and Advil (for when you say, I’m not in the mood.)
Plan for the unexpected. Out of town sex is all about being flexible. Maybe you’re at a hotel with key entry after 10pm so you have to get them for that booty call. Or you have two full size beds over a king; sex in one and sleeping in the other. Or, the worst, people falling off the face of the earth. This will happen a lot to me. The emails either dwindle or stop completely, and if you’re horny…fuck your life.
All in all, it’s a luck game; you have to play the field a bit too. In my experience, having at least two craigslist options means you might have one show up.
Why am I giving you an overview? Because I’m about to take this vagina on the road! Where we going? Every fucking where. Catherine and I are hitting the west coast, east coast, Midwest…nowhere is safe from this velvety vagina (if I do say so myself!)
Be ready for the traveling chronicles. First weekend: Portland, Oregon, home of the hipsters and no-shows.
The Daring Vagina