Before I write about my tinder romances (or lack thereof), I want to take a moment to describe tinder from my viewpoint, some lessons, and what tinder exactly is. Is Tinder the greatest thing ever? No. That’s a tie between vibrators and batteries, you assuming person. However, Tinder is comical and has made Catherine happy a lot of times.
Tinder is full of creepers, trolls, anti-feminist men, and then a handful of decent guys. Between these decent guys, there are some that want nothing more than to get between your legs (or they just want your mouth on their cock), or they want a full fledged relationship (these following through with the relationship idea are rare and should be treated like a unicorn.) You may find some winners out of a galaxy of losers; it sucks, but the journey is pretty funny. I started taking screenshots because I couldn’t believe what some men would say or use as a pick-up line. To meet these glorious individuals, you have to agree to let Tinder access Facebook; I was totally hesitant on this front, won’t even lie. I finally was like,…it can’t do anything I can’t undo, and now I am correcting men that call me their Tinderella. Bitch, that’s not my name, and unless you’re buying me shoes, don’t get near my feet. On Tinder, you “match” with people when you both “swipe right.” Tinder pulls up people based on your age, gender and location preference; you then say if you like them or not. If you like, you can swipe your finger right; if you’re like, oh hell no, you can swipe left. Simple, right? So simple. Are there hiccups? Of course, but everything has them.
Creating the Perfect Profile
When you install Tinder, it just uses the profile from Facebook. If your profile says how much you love your mama and your six kids, you need to change that before your Tinder game is ruined for awhile. I like to think I have a pretty awesome description, and I shall share it with you (with some obvious blanks on my specifics): From somewhere, currently live in another place. I’m a researcher that loves running, watching most sports, going to concerts, and being a nerd. I’m super ridiculous, love road trips and traveling in general, blogger, sarcastic with a bit of dry humor, super tall (5’9), consumer of beer and cake, and pretty damn awesome. INTJ; college grad and famous on Google maps. Not really looking for a relationship. Who doesn’t want a fun adventure? Communists, that’s who!
I get complimented on this beautiful piece of literary genius. You can leave it blank, people will still be interested. I mean, Tinder is the most shallow thing ever. I “swipe right” on a guy that appears to be fun when in reality those pics are 5+ years old and now he’s a hermit that doesn’t own a razor. It’s a risk you have a to take. I outline in mine that I don’t want a relationship; some people (mostly men), are really blunt in what they want from Tinder. There’s nothing wrong with that, I encourage that; don’t go wasting time, yo!
Another component about your profile is that Tinder uses your likes from Facebook to show your potential match what you “have in common.” Just don’t pull a Daring Vagina and say something against things you matched on (that’s a fun story for later.) Tinder also snags your recent profile pictures from Facebook and uses them. You have the option of changing your pic, but only to other photos from Facebook. So, you can create a new profile for your sexy abs, or just use normal photos of yourself. Up to you. Just don’t have your wedding photos…that’s awkward.
Sometimes, when you’re on a swiping spree, you accidentally swipe left on your soul mate. These things do happen and it’s ok. Your Tinderfella will be there amongst those swipes to the right. The accidental swipes tend to happen once you learn about clicking on the picture of a potential match to pull up their other photos and bio. Once you’ve pulled up their profile, you can swipe to the left to view all their photos. If shit happens, you aren’t in their profile or you leave it, and then…you swipe left. This makes cupid sad. Don’t make cupid sad. On the flip side, I have swiped right on people that are nowhere near my taste in men. This happens while drunk…or sober. I just don’t remember the guy’s face and his profile is blank, so obviously Catherine had other plans for the guy. When you accidentally match with someone you don’t want, there is the ability to unmatch. Thank god for that. Drunk swiping is a bad thing, especially when you match with someone and say things you shouldn’t…I’m really classy.
Once you’ve swiped and matched with the Tinderest of men, you are able to start a conversation with them, keep looking at their pictures so you can masturbate to them (or until they unmatch with you…you perv), and view their moments (we’ll get to that later on.) What should you expect from someone on Tinder? Terrible pick-up lines, terrible pick-up lines everywhere.
Not all men are terrible, some are clueless. My favorites are when I lead with a “Hey, how are doing today?” And I get a “Hey.” What the actual fuck…conversation, can you carry it, mother fucker? Nope…they cannot. Some people want to talk for forever. Some people say the rudest things. Some just want to text you right after matching. I’ve had it all, and honestly, I don’t expect much from Tinder; one night stands for the most part. I’ve had some Tinder fails through communication; swipe to text has made me say Hsu over hey, and then some other random words. But honestly, I’ve never been a complete moron; I complete sentences, answer questions, and use proper grammar, and most others do not. Except when I drink. Ugh. Then I say things like, I can fit four of my fingers in my mouth, because I’m classy.
As I mentioned before, there are “moments” you can share with the people you match with. These pictures can be from anywhere; snapchat, camera, or you can take one through the application itself. And doll it up with artwork or wording. Up to you. Your matches can like or not your moment. Much like the initial swipe, you don’t see who hasn’t liked it but who has liked your moment. It helps me be like, ugh…that guy grew out a four foot long beard and expects me to still be matched to him? Peace out. I’ve put things like a picture of a beer that asks if anyone wants to grab a drink (when I’m traveling) and its kinda worked.
Lessons from Tinder: people can and will unmatch you right before you meet. It’s a dick move and they do it. I’ve done it when the conversation went to crazy town. It’s full of trolls, so even if you’re drop dead gorgeous, or me, you’ll get your fair share of Tinder cat calls. Mostly the same, and stupid, but still there. People don’t always look like their pictures; a lot of the time, actually. People use their best Facebook photos, and then in person they’ve aged 15 years, and badly. Dick pics, so many dick pics. Age isn’t always right; it goes off of your Facebook, so it fucks with you. You can do the spectrum to see everyone, even the 14 year olds that have their Facebook set to 20. As if I couldn’t tell…ok sometimes it takes me a minute to tell, but that fucker swiped right on me and I look my age. My fucking bad. At least I didn’t even talk to him. A lot of men have the same name. It’s really weird when you have seven Matthews in a row and they look NOTHING alike. As always, be safe. More men on Tinder have tried to go without condoms on me than craigslist men. Tinder is why I now carry a tin of condoms with me. And in case I’m raped, cause I’ll ask him to at least wrap it before he taps it.
My first Tinder man was actually pretty good comparatively. But I guess you’ll have to read about him next time.
The Daring Vagina