Love Me, Tinder

Before I write about my tinder romances (or lack thereof), I want to take a moment to describe tinder from my viewpoint, some lessons, and what tinder exactly is. Is Tinder the greatest thing ever? No. That’s a tie between vibrators and batteries, you assuming person. However, Tinder is comical and has made Catherine happy a lot of times.

Tinder is full of creepers, trolls, anti-feminist men, and then a handful of decent guys. Between these decent guys, there are some that want nothing more than to get between your legs (or they just want your mouth on their cock), or they want a full fledged relationship (these following through with the relationship idea are rare and should be treated like a unicorn.) You may find some winners out of a galaxy of losers; it sucks, but the journey is pretty funny. I started taking screenshots because I couldn’t believe what some men would say or use as a pick-up line. To meet these glorious individuals, you have to agree to let Tinder access Facebook; I was totally hesitant on this front, won’t even lie. I finally was like,…it can’t do anything I can’t undo, and now I am correcting men that call me their Tinderella. Bitch, that’s not my name, and unless you’re buying me shoes, don’t get near my feet. On Tinder, you “match” with people when you both “swipe right.” Tinder pulls up people based on your age, gender and location preference; you then say if you like them or not. If you like, you can swipe your finger right; if you’re like, oh hell no, you can swipe left. Simple, right? So simple. Are there hiccups? Of course, but everything has them.

Creating the Perfect Profile
When you install Tinder, it just uses the profile from Facebook. If your profile says how much you love your mama and your six kids, you need to change that before your Tinder game is ruined for awhile. I like to think I have a pretty awesome description, and I shall share it with you (with some obvious blanks on my specifics): From somewhere, currently live in another place. I’m a researcher that loves running, watching most sports, going to concerts, and being a nerd. I’m super ridiculous, love road trips and traveling in general, blogger, sarcastic with a bit of dry humor, super tall (5’9), consumer of beer and cake, and pretty damn awesome. INTJ; college grad and famous on Google maps. Not really looking for a relationship. Who doesn’t want a fun adventure? Communists, that’s who!

I get complimented on this beautiful piece of literary genius. You can leave it blank, people will still be interested. I mean, Tinder is the most shallow thing ever. I “swipe right” on a guy that appears to be fun when in reality those pics are 5+ years old and now he’s a hermit that doesn’t own a razor. It’s a risk you have a to take. I outline in mine that I don’t want a relationship; some people (mostly men), are really blunt in what they want from Tinder. There’s nothing wrong with that, I encourage that; don’t go wasting time, yo!
Another component about your profile is that Tinder uses your likes from Facebook to show your potential match what you “have in common.” Just don’t pull a Daring Vagina and say something against things you matched on (that’s a fun story for later.) Tinder also snags your recent profile pictures from Facebook and uses them. You have the option of changing your pic, but only to other photos from Facebook. So, you can create a new profile for your sexy abs, or just use normal photos of yourself. Up to you. Just don’t have your wedding photos…that’s awkward.

Sometimes, when you’re on a swiping spree, you accidentally swipe left on your soul mate. These things do happen and it’s ok. Your Tinderfella will be there amongst those swipes to the right. The accidental swipes tend to happen once you learn about clicking on the picture of a potential match to pull up their other photos and bio. Once you’ve pulled up their profile, you can swipe to the left to view all their photos. If shit happens, you aren’t in their profile or you leave it, and then…you swipe left. This makes cupid sad. Don’t make cupid sad. On the flip side, I have swiped right on people that are nowhere near my taste in men. This happens while drunk…or sober. I just don’t remember the guy’s face and his profile is blank, so obviously Catherine had other plans for the guy. When you accidentally match with someone you don’t want, there is the ability to unmatch. Thank god for that. Drunk swiping is a bad thing, especially when you match with someone and say things you shouldn’t…I’m really classy.

Once you’ve swiped and matched with the Tinderest of men, you are able to start a conversation with them, keep looking at their pictures so you can masturbate to them (or until they unmatch with you…you perv), and view their moments (we’ll get to that later on.) What should you expect from someone on Tinder? Terrible pick-up lines, terrible pick-up lines everywhere.

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Yes, I'd like to bang out.

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Direct and to the point...some points.

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St least he got my humor

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Over flattering is scary.

Not all men are terrible, some are clueless. My favorites are when I lead with a “Hey, how are doing today?” And I get a “Hey.” What the actual fuck…conversation, can you carry it, mother fucker? Nope…they cannot. Some people want to talk for forever. Some people say the rudest things. Some just want to text you right after matching. I’ve had it all, and honestly, I don’t expect much from Tinder; one night stands for the most part. I’ve had some Tinder fails through communication; swipe to text has made me say Hsu over hey, and then some other random words. But honestly, I’ve never been a complete moron; I complete sentences, answer questions, and use proper grammar, and most others do not. Except when I drink. Ugh. Then I say things like, I can fit four of my fingers in my mouth, because I’m classy.

As I mentioned before, there are “moments” you can share with the people you match with. These pictures can be from anywhere; snapchat, camera, or you can take one through the application itself. And doll it up with artwork or wording. Up to you. Your matches can like or not your moment. Much like the initial swipe, you don’t see who hasn’t liked it but who has liked your moment. It helps me be like, ugh…that guy grew out a four foot long beard and expects me to still be matched to him? Peace out. I’ve put things like a picture of a beer that asks if anyone wants to grab a drink (when I’m traveling) and its kinda worked.

Lessons from Tinder: people can and will unmatch you right before you meet. It’s a dick move and they do it. I’ve done it when the conversation went to crazy town. It’s full of trolls, so even if you’re drop dead gorgeous, or me, you’ll get your fair share of Tinder cat calls. Mostly the same, and stupid, but still there. People don’t always look like their pictures; a lot of the time, actually. People use their best Facebook photos, and then in person they’ve aged 15 years, and badly. Dick pics, so many dick pics. Age isn’t always right; it goes off of your Facebook, so it fucks with you. You can do the spectrum to see everyone, even the 14 year olds that have their Facebook set to 20. As if I couldn’t tell…ok sometimes it takes me a minute to tell, but that fucker swiped right on me and I look my age. My fucking bad. At least I didn’t even talk to him. A lot of men have the same name. It’s really weird when you have seven Matthews in a row and they look NOTHING alike. As always, be safe. More men on Tinder have tried to go without condoms on me than craigslist men. Tinder is why I now carry a tin of condoms with me. And in case I’m raped, cause I’ll ask him to at least wrap it before he taps it.

My first Tinder man was actually pretty good comparatively. But I guess you’ll have to read about him next time.

Sincerely,

The Daring Vagina

Chicken with a Side of Bad Sex

When Air Force Man emailed me off my W4M posting, I was intrigued why he of all people would be slumming it in craigslist. He was intelligent, interesting, not bad looking, and a gentleman. He was in the Air Force, anything else he said after that I zoned out on. Living in a military city has made the effect of men in military uniforms not that special. Besides, Batman kinda already fulfilled that fantasy and box on my sex list.

Air Force Man and I texted a lot on a Friday. He asked if I’d be interested in meeting up for dinner. Up until now, I had just met a guy, maybe had a beer, and fucked. There was no “girlfriend experience” involved. I kinda love food, so I decided what the hell, why not? While texting, he never brought up sex, or anything of that nature. It was weird to me. I am a perv; I want to know what a guy likes in bed so I can know if we’re compatible… Or maybe because it gets me hot and bothered and I love to feel that way while at work. To seal the deal that I wouldn’t be interrupted that evening, I told my partner I was going over to a friend’s for dinner and to hang out. Sometimes it pays to have an introvert for a partner.

I have a need to always be somewhere first; I arrived at the restaurant about 20 minutes before the time we agreed on. While sitting in my car, Perfect Baggage called me to see what I was up to. I told him I was out with a friend and would be out for a little bit. He asked that if I wasn’t out too late that I should come over, but only if I wasn’t out late because he was “going to bed early.” I rarely believed those lines anymore; he would text the next day at 2 in the afternoon to let me know he just woke up from a night with his friends and justify it to me like I was owed an excuse. Anyways! I did not see him later that night, but I did see him the following night. Hey, a girl is a glutton for emotional punishment when a good penis is attached. But I digress from the story at hand…

Air Force Man finally arrived at the restaurant, and texted to ask if I was also at the restaurant. I replied yes and he called me. He asked what I was driving so he could walk to my car. I was already walking to the restaurant when I casually bumped into him. He was maybe 5’11, dirty blonde hair, blue eyes and a fit build. He was more on the skinny side of athletic, but hey, a girl has a type. We talked about movies, music, traveling, and random topics over Italian food. I specifically remember getting a salad so I wouldn’t feel shitty if we did have sex. When the check came, I was fully prepared to pay for my own meal, but he did. I wasn’t really used to that. I’m controlling enough that I need independence and to feel like I don’t owe someone something.

Deciding to not end the night early, he invited me over to watch one of his movies. I decided why not. I followed him to his apartment that wasn’t far from base. He didn’t give me a tour, but it was two or so bedrooms, nothing fancy in the decor, he had an Air Force banner on the wall, along with other military and schooling things. We sat through the entire movie in silence. At least I had a beer to touch all seductive like. I don’t remember the actual movie, but I do remember how he basically attacked my face with his tongue once it was over. I didn’t kiss anyone in high school, but I want to assume that make out session was comparable to a high school one. His tongue enthralled my mouth and he left my lips covered in his saliva. His hands grabbed aggressively at my breasts through my clothes, and when he put his hands down the opening of my top, he cursed at the bra’s interference. At least it gave me time to prep for his handsy behavior.

When we finally made it to the bedroom, it was probably the most uncomfortable experience I had ever had. His cock wasn’t that great; it was below average in girth and length. He wouldn’t just let me give him head; he needed to be in control and tried to face fuck me. For those of you that have ever done that with someone that thinks their cock is longer than it is, they sometimes pull out too far and then jab you in the face. This happened. Multiple times. Pain.

When he came, there was no warning and bam, in my mouth. I swallowed out of total surprise, and because he wasn’t letting me move my face. He laid on the bed and I, being on my knees, kinda sat back on my legs awkwardly. In case you were wondering, yes, he had a twin sized bed that looked like it was from childhood. The sheets weren’t too much newer, and felt just as used like my face did.

I got on the bed next to him; I forgot how much I hated two people in a twin bed. He woke up from his mini slumber and roughly fingered me. I pushed his over eager hand away multiple times. When he decided to fuck me…it was like he didn’t realize how much smaller his dick really was; he would fall out and then have to stop, and do it all over again. We did missionary and doggy. He finally came in doggy (which was a pain with his vagina missing strokes) and then he passed out on the outside portion of the bed. I just laid there, squished next to the wall. And then…he snored. I figured, what the hell, I guess I need to sleep off that lackluster performance of his.

Eventually he woke up, which in turn woke me up. I finally cleaned myself a bit, dressed and left.

Air Force Man never returned my texts; there were two and one just said thanks again for dinner and the other asked if he wanted to get together again. Because I had his full on name, I totally Facebook stalked him. There was a picture of him with what looked to be my doppelganger. She was just shorter than me. It was creepy as sin. I was then ok he never texted me back. I’m sure I was a fill in for his girlfriend living over a thousand miles away.

So, as I was leaving Air Force Man’s place, I received a text from Daredevil (middle man from Halloween night.) Well, I was already out…

Sincerely,
The Daring Vagina

There’s a Big ‘Ol Craigslist World Out There

For about 6 months, I had been posting and trolling the casual encounters section of craigslist. One day, I somehow found myself on the M4W section. That section is not just to find Mrs. Right…Mrs. Right-Now-On-My-Dick is more like it. I felt like I just found a whole new area to tap into; people who want to actually have a legitimate friends with benefits type of relationship. There were so few W4M postings, I figured I would actually have a chance to be seen.

Before posting my normal smart ass ad in the section, I decided to go about it in a new light–tone it down a bit. I felt I needed more connection of the mind than flesh for the type of men I wanted from this posting. In my ad, I did say I wanted something more than a one time fling, but less than a relationship. I still never mentioned anything about my partner. I still discriminated against others that were looking to cheat because they were bored in bed. I’m not perfect, but that’s not why I do what I do; they have sex, I bought stock in Duracell with my battery usage.

For my first posting, I received a lot of new replies and some that actually felt promising. There were less penis pictures, and more detailed descriptions of them as a person. Yet, they were more homely in comparison. Not always a bad thing, but messed up teeth with poor grammar is not my style. I wasn’t just going to bang their cock; I was going to hang out with their mind while fondling their balls. Majority of them had fairly proper and correct grammar (shocking, I know!) It was a slower flood of responses than casual encounters, but I didn’t get flagged. I talked to a LOT of them, but overall met few of them. Timing (including work and when my partner was at home) would play such a huge factor. I guess I almost strung them a long for fun and attention, but then they’d say something disturbing ( I only do bareback, I only do anal, I have to call you mommy) that I would shut down and not reply. Anal is ok but not as an only option. Bareback comes after I know you and know you’re clean–no repeats. I don’t have kids for a reason.

One “different” man wanted me to dress him up as a woman in a corset, do his make up so that he looked as close to a woman as possible, tie him up, and then possibly fuck him with a dildo (because I would have all of these things.) The guy was married, late 20s, white, light brown hair, a beautiful smile, knew the English language, and was super handsome. I would have totally fucked him; but not in his ass. I would talk things out with him, but then not reply for awhile because that wasn’t me. He didn’t get offended with my lack of response; he would try again a week later, talking about how I was and then BAM! Will you put a dildo in my ass after you tie me up? I nicely explained to him how I was going to get NOTHING from this arrangement. There would be no cock, orgasm, fucking, sucking, or anything else I enjoy about sex happening. I eventually just stopped talking to him; I hope he found someone or was able to tell his wife so someone could help that man live out that fantasy life.

But returning back to my post; it really was a whole new field. I wanted that fwb, not this continual string of one night stands. As I stated, out of that post I met a few good men (pun intended cause one is in the military!) The first one I met put me in a completely different ball game when it came to sex.

Amazing Sex is Damn Good

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Out of the men I met or talked to from my first post, the first guy I slept with, lets keep with the comic book theme and call him the “Joker” since he had an amazing smile, was a great starter to meet. He was fit, curly black hair, beautiful green eyes that I was mesmerized by, under 30, and he wasn’t a Grade A moron. After a few e-mails, we exchanged numbers. I am not one to take flattering pictures, let alone naked flattering pics. He would ask to see me bent over (hardest pic EVER to take!) or me licking/sucking my own nipples. I would just respond with a “…well ok…” and send something. SIDE NOTE: Do NOT take nude photos of yourself with your face fully visible unless you’re really ok with them being everywhere and anyone seeing them…like his buddies that could be acquaintances of yours. I am so confused when anyone does that. Don’t make a sex video that includes your face or very easily recognizable tattoos either. Be smart. He asked what I was into sexually, what my fantasies were, and then he asked the dreaded, “are you single?” I explained as best I could that I was in a sexless relationship but I would never ever leave. He was ok with that, which surprised me. 

At the time, my partner was still working until 9 most evenings (giving me plenty of wiggle room for play time) and I got off work early every Friday. One Friday, Joker texted me, saying he had some free time to meet up if I was available. I’m the type of person that will leave a damn funeral for sex. When he texted me, I was coming back from the mall with my friend and basically squealed with excitement in her passenger seat. I was about to have sex with someone that I handpicked for my vagina; I won the man jackpot!!

Let me describe my place so you can imagine the layout better. One bedroom/one bath upstairs apartment, spacious bedroom with a queen sized bed, tv in the bedroom, two computers in the living room, and two scaredy cats that would never come out. With two people living in a slightly cramped apartment, it gets cluttered easily. When I got home, I hastily made the bed, tidied up the bathroom, lit some smelly good candles and put on just a t-shirt and athletic shorts. And then I anxiously awaited his penis. I turned the tv on, relaxed and almost took a nap by the time there was a knock on the door.

I could feel my excitement hit a high peak before I even opened the door. He didn’t even need to be there to get my vagina ready; he could have skipped any foreplay right then. When I did open the door, there stood my ideal man. Joker was maybe 5’10, super tan, had beautiful Irish green eyes and black hair. He was a crew lead (or something like that) for a construction company and had a solid farmer tan. His hair was a bit shaggy underneath his baseball cap that looked just as worn out as his steel toe boots. I offered for him to come in and if he wanted anything to drink. We made our way to the bedroom where we talked for a bit before we both felt comfortable enough to start removing clothes, starting with his boots and shirt. 
Joker was a great kisser, and he knew exactly what he was doing as far as his hands were concerned. He had that terrible tan, but I had no problem seeing past that to his amazing arm muscles. Joker was an expert at putting me where he wanted me on the bed, and luckily was nowhere near a minute man (thank God for that.) He was rough–sometimes a little too rough—-and very thick (doggy was a tad bit painful when he picked up his pace too quickly.) I can safely say that after he was done with me (which wore us both out), he was in the top three fucks. Ever. His overall style was dominant, but he was a pleaser and kept asking what it would take to get me to cum (wouldn’t he have liked to know.)

Joker only came over one other time (his work schedule didn’t always mesh with my availability), and it took all of me closing the door for him to go primal and try and pick me up (I am fairly fat) and fuck me on my awkward couch right by the door. It did probably help that I was wearing very flattering lingerie when I opened the door. We kept in contact for awhile, but we had long-term, conflicting schedules. But he was always good for getting my motor running with some imaginative texts 😉

Sincerely,

The Daring Vagina

So Many Dick Pics…

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By this time in my craigslist adventures, I had read and responded to a lot of postings, but I had never created one of my own. I mean, I know what I want and looking at all of the short posts with obviously old pictures (yeah…no one is going to believe you still have that computer from the 90s and use it…get a better pic), terrible grammar, and the lack of replies was making me sad. Were there really only a handful of men in a large city (a few million, give or take) that would sleep with me? I decided that couldn’t be true. I needed to write …my own posting. 

I am a perfectionist and a planner; I needed to see my competition and then work up the ULTIMATE POSTING! I perused the W4M section; there were like…none. The postings were short, illiterate, and incomprehensible; the ones with pics had descriptions that didn’t even accurately describe what was in the image. Don’t say you’re black when the girl in the picture is not only pale but a ginger. The majority of these ads were 4 sentences long, talking about how they needed a “big dix” to “fuk al nite.” I finally got why men kept talking about spam and bots; the whole w4m section was full of that crap. After my analysis, I was ready to piece together my perfect ad. 

I told myself no pictures, be me (sarcastic and awkward), and say exactly what I’m looking for (a long term friend with benefits, or fwb.) I started out describing what I wanted: someone who could come in, bend me over the couch, fuck me, and then have an intelligent conversation. I needed to connect with them enough that I’d see them often. Then I described myself physically and personality wise. I made sure to include that I was ddf (drug and disease free) and that I was going to stay that way. I never said I was single or in a relationship; I wanted to avoid that subject at all costs. After the little spiel about myself, I talked about the type of guy I wanted: a sane guy for craigslist standards, intelligent, fun, drama free, and ddf. I then closed it with my all-time favorite online pick-up line: tell me a little more about yourself, and send a pic, and I’ll return the favor; I’ve been told I look good with a cock in my mouth 😉 

I was not prepared for the amount of responses, the dick pics, or how to tell someone thanks but you’re not attractive to me and I’m not that desperate. I was in my early twenties, I didn’t need someone that was 50; I may have daddy issues, but not like that. I took my time going through each reply; there were quite a few good ones. Some men would reply with just “R u real ?” and that’s it. I would reply with yes and they would then ask for a pic; I would tell them that’s not how it works and they would get angry. Oh well…should follow directions. There were plenty of other guys that not only did, but were way too hot for me.

Many of the replies were full of so many grammatical errors…it just hurt my brain. I didn’t care how hot, no go!  With every response that I was interested in I replied with a pic and more about myself. I always asked what they were looking for and if they could host at their place (how to weed out the people living in their parent’s basement.) I figured it would be best to play out the different men to see what would happen.

My post was eventually flagged as spam; I was extremely offended that someone would say I was a bot, and I went to see what I could do to un-flag myself. For the record, you can’t. But you can just keep reposting it and say “I’m real, stop flagging meeeee” like half the men do. I also imagine they’re pouting about having to copy and paste (life is soooo hard.) My post was up for a solid 5 hours, maybe 6. A lot of responses had men saying it was refreshing to have a real woman post and how much they enjoyed reading what I wrote. I’d always respond with a thank you. Even if we weren’t each other’s type, it was a pretty good compliment. Who doesn’t like praise over something they’ve done?

From this posting alone, I was able to find a few good men to possibly bend me over my couch. Each man was my “type” in a sense; thinner and taller than me, intelligent enough, and really easy on the eyes. From my efforts, I was able to sleep with a few men. I did post another ad not too long after, just to see if I could get different men (I did and then I got the same shitty pictures and dumb responses too.) It was a new rush; how many men out of my league would call me hot and want to sleep with me? More than you could possibly imagine…

Until Next Time,

The Daring Vagina