How Stella Got Her Groove Back

Well, I’m not dead, pregnant, or carrying a new strain of chlamydia, so that’s something.

I’ve not only been absent writing, but I haven’t really had men between my legs in forever. Forever to me is over a month.

That changed Friday night.


It was almost exactly like this. Except I'm not fit, black, or able to dance.

While I want to tell the good and bad stories about my sex life (because I have awesome tales), I need to be present in writing as I am with life. Deep, right? Only a randomly generated e-mail from Twitter on suggestions for who you should follow listing two men you were all head over heels for can make a girl take out a box of wine and cry over horribly filtered instagram photos that showed up on Twitter….Anyways. It doesn’t matter who these men are, but I realized that I need to not live so much in the past or worry so much about 5 years from now.

Over two months ago I made the greatest decision ever: take out my IUD. I had only had it for two years, but in those two years I was always feeling self conscious about accidental bleeding after sex. It happened so often that I would warn men that there was most likely going to be blood after sex. Two men really got off to role playing I was their naughty little virgin girl. Cool story, until it was acted out. At the beginning of July I had the “longest strings” of an iud professionally unlodged from the lining of my uterus. Cramps. All. Damn. Day. I was already taking the pill and thought I was good to go. Guess who is super emotional during her period while on the pill? This girl. So, I’m back to my dear friend, the robot vagina ring; Nuva Ring.

I am finally set on family planning for Catherine and I. Aka, no family.


Fuck you, baby

So, how did the Daring Vagina get her groove back? By fucking the most generous lover, Lil Houston Boyfriend. (He’s “lil” because there is a “big” that I’ll eventually touch on. One day.)

It wasn’t LHB’s first rodeo with me, but it was the first one blood free with him. For being 21 (that’s right, he’s an inexperienced, hot, eager to please, swimmer’s bod type of guy), he was and is perfect for me. We met in May and both of us love the exclusivity and ability to not over think our fwb relationship. I’ll eventually write about how we met and all that, but, living in the present.

I had a volunteer event Saturday and decided I could come in the night before if LHB wanted to meet up for a night of fun and to test my robot vagina ring out. I had a work event Friday with dogs, and once I was done, I booked it there. Or close enough to that. Never had I been so sleepy; I struggled to get the gasoline nozzle to fit in this Focus, so I smelt of gasoline from spilling it on me, I hadn’t been eating or drinking anything during the day, and seeing people for work exhausts me. Telling Lil Houston Boyfriend I needed caffeine, he offered to bring me an energy drink. When I finally saw him at 11:30–after two showers that wouldn’t get all of the gasoline smell off–I don’t know if I was more excited for sex or the energy drink.

LHB is in charge of the music for our time together; his taste is interesting compared to mine. There is more R&B and electronic music, but honestly I love knowing he has a playlist called “Houston Girlfriend” that I can play. Much like every memorable time with Lil Houston Boyfriend, we had about 25 minutes of devoted foreplay. This includes kissing, heavy petting, and teasing. This does not include his historical, record holding time between my legs with just his mouth. He knows I can’t cum from oral, but if the good Lord gives your partner a love of licking pussy, you let that man do the alphabet ten plus times on your clit. He isn’t just attentive to Catherine, but he lightly bites at my inner thighs and loves when I grab on the back of his head when he’s doing a fantastic job. At this point, I was completely naked while he had his plaid boxers on. He kissed his way up to my lips so I could taste myself on his tongue still.

And this is when the teasing from hell began.

While still wearing his boxers, he thrusted his hips slowly into me just enough that I could feel how hard he was and so the head of his cock could tease my clit. I wiggled enough under him, scratching up his back like a feral cat in heat, that he finally pinned me under him. I constantly moaned; I wanted–nay, I needed his cock in me immediately. I pushed my hips up into him, causing his boxers to become soaked because of Catherine’s excitement. I pulled on his bottom lip excessively, causing him to look down at me and my pleading eyes. Knowing it isn’t nice to over tease me, he got off me and slid out of his boxers. I pushed him to lay down on his back as I made my way down to his cock.

Not to be greedy from earlier, I happily went down on him. LHB is not only a tall ginger, he’s slim, carries his 6 pack well, and his cock is near perfect for me; it’s too long for me to deepthroat without practice and thick enough that it feels amazing when he first enters me. LHB isn’t very aggressive or firm in bed, but he will hold onto my hair when I give him head. I concentrated first on just the head–I teased with just the tip of my tongue before sucking on it. I am rarely ever comfortable enough to look a man in the eyes while giving head, but I do for LHB; it’s fulfilling to see his eyes roll to the back of his head and hear him tell me “that feels so good” or “that’s amazing.” What can I say, I’m an only child and I love praise.


Hells yes I do

It didn’t take long before Lil Houston Boyfriend was ready; after letting his cock fall out of my mouth, he lightly pulled me up to him while leaning forwards to kiss me. I laid down next to him, continuing to kiss him while he got on top of me. He teased both sets of my lips as I pushed my hips up into his. I moaned into his mouth as he entered me. Did I mention it had been awhile since I had a penis in me? It was amazing. With how wet I was, he was able to push inside me as far as he could and filled Catherine. Dare I say again, it was amazing. He started out slow and built up speed, thrust length, and the overall intensity of it while in missionary. He moved my legs around to get different angles, and I scratched his back like no one’s business when I could.

Wanting to try a new position for us, he went with something like the pretzel dip.


Paint me like one of your French girls!...with orange as the only color used.

He didn’t last that long before wanting to move to another position. Asking me to scoot to the bed, I figured he was ready to cum. So, after my ten scooting fails led to me standing up so I could sit on the edge of the bed, I asked him to get my vibrator for me. I have never actually cum at the same time as a man. First time for everything! I told LHB I was going to cum, and he met my orgasm with his own. After resting for a minute I got up; it took not even two minutes of standing to feel all the cum dripping down my thighs.


At least there wasn’t blood.


Thank goodness I didn't have to make this cake for the 70th time.

After a quick shower, I joined him in bed . It was only shy of 3am. Once getting in bed, I sighed and told him we didn’t cuddle, to which he replied by pulling me close with his arm, kissing my temple. LHB is a rare breed. He doesn’t even mind my sleeping habits, especially when I violently kick off sheets every couple of hours because I don’t realize I have a bed buddy. I had a restless night, so every 90 minutes or so I’d wake up, kick blankets off, realize I had a bed buddy, pull them back up, and casually snuggle with him. At about 7:30, I was half awake while Lil Houston Boyfriend was fully awake and obviously horny. It didn’t take long before he was playing with my clit to get me wet. To summarize: I had amazing morning sex that led to a hungry bed partner.

We enjoyed breakfast and then parted ways. But not forever; I feel as though my shy bed buddy isn’t really done with me yet.


The Daring Vagina

Sin City Part 4: My First Down Under Man

After I was back at my hotel, I noticed the time and I needed to pick up my race packet for a 5k the following morning. I was giving myself some frat boy high fives–I had met my 3 men in 24 hours record from two Halloweens before. Not many women can say that without being a lady of the night. Honestly, I didn’t think I’d see another man in my 24 hour period, but Tinder in Vegas is just the best jackpot ever!

I had matched with this one Australian earlier and decided to message him back since it had been about 30 minutes because it still takes forever to get in touch and actually meet up. Logistics are key sometimes. While chatting, I found out that he was there with more Aussies and were going to Brazil for the World Cup. Needless to say, I was assuming he was going to be good or at least experienced enough in bed to make me happy.

I took a taxi to the downtown part of Vegas to pick up my running things while he went randomly MIA. I decided to pass the time and walked around, which is where I bought this amazing cup.


Every woman wants the D. Especially in Vegas

All the women want the D anyways! The Aussie and I exchanged numbers and he called to see if I was able to get together, and obviously I was, so I hailed a taxi to the Stratosphere. For those not familiar with Vegas hotels, the Stratosphere is this huge Space Needle of a hotel with amazing views. I was excited to fuck in a new hotel to say the least.

The Aussie said he’d meet me downstairs at the bar, so when I got there I found the location and sat there with my huge pina collada while waiting for this red headed man. When he arrived, I was smitten; ginger, muscles, my height, and wasn’t as awkward as me. We talked for a bit while he kept glancing at his watch. Curiosity and annoyance getting the better of me, I asked why he kept looking at his watch. He responded that his holiday buddies should be out of the room by now. I responded with, that sounds great! He smiled pearly whites at me and asked if I’d like to follow him to the elevators to go to his room. It was a short ride up the elevator, untouched I might add. A quick walk down a corridor and we were at his room.

Surprise, his buddies were there.

No, there wasn’t an orgy that followed. Sorry, that’s for another time.

Probably not. This is me we’re talking about.

His hotel room was almost the complete opposite of The Brazilian’s; small, lots of light, two beds, and men occupying those beds. However, it was the most hazardous looking room with even a blown up kangaroo just chilling in the corner.


I can't make this shit up, readers

After getting to meet all the down under crew, I would have fucked them all, let’s just be honest. Since the three of them weren’t in a hurry to move, we chatted while I awkwardly stood in the corner, debating how to sit on their unmade bed. Talking to them, one of them was from the states and lived “up the road” from me. Heeeeey, possible hometown fuck buddy. They were decent hosts; they asked what I wanted to watch on the television. Which of course meant I had no answer.

It didn’t take that long until the other 3 decided to leave. Once they did, The Aussie and I were laying on the unmade bed next to the window. It didn’t take long before he made his move. Maybe I was just spoiled too recently by the Brazilian, but his make out skills were mediocre. I feel guilty for that comment; when there was a break from kissing, The Aussie let me know I was an amazing kisser. Yay compliments!..sadly I couldn’t reciprocate it. Let me bck up ever so slightly; The Aussie had some major sunburn and thus I was not allowed to touch his back or shoulders. This is why you wear sunscreen before fucking. Needless to say, I wasn’t as demanding or needy in bed with my nails.

The ginger Aussie didn’t have more than an average cock; it was probably 5~ inches and average girth or so. When I went down on him, he again proceeded to compliment me. The Aussie let me know that I had set the bar high for other American women to which I coyly replied that unless he fucked an active porn star, I would be the best out of his trip. Side note: I was in his top 3 from his whole time out of Australia. ‘Merica! The Aussie didn’t focus on my vagina at all. It was a huge let down. I mean, he touched it with his fingers, said I was incredibly wet, and I was just like, I know…thanks captain obvious. Being a safe foreigner (us Americans are probably really dirty, and I don’t want their convict descendent stds either), he brought out a plethora of condoms to choose from. I was in an adult candy store–it was so magical and I had no idea what I wanted to choose. There were flavored ones because obviously I’m going to put his dick back in my mouth just because the condom is on. Obviously. I picked a strawberry flavored one that smelt like cherries and had a pink tint.

The Aussie asked what position I wanted to do, and I instantly replied with doggy. He wasn’t that big or thick, and I wanted to feel like I was being fucked well. Assuming the position, he started slowly and gradually sped up. He didn’t ask for permission before he started pulling my hair and spanking me; it was a nice change of pace, but incredibly unexpected. Apparently saying “porn stars” in random conversation meant we should fuck like them, because the next thing he went for was to put his fingers in my mouth and pulling back. There was a good 10 seconds when I thought about tapping out but he didn’t have a good grip and that’s when his hands moved to my neck. Ladies and gentlemen, this is where the Daring Vagina learned she loves to be choked.


This. This is apparently what makes me happy.

I was so into it I almost didn’t realize that the ginger weasel had stopped fucking me and was about to stick his dick in my ass. I am not graceful, but I easilyand swiftly turned around and told him he better rethink that. He tried to plead with me since he was on holiday and I gave him the best death stare. Needles to say, it wasn’t all rainbows and unicorns after that. He asked to switch positions and have me on top. Begrudgingly, I got on top. To lament over the shitty scene that followed, The Aussie almost immediately got back on top.

It didn’t take that much longer before he came. He asked where he could cum and I said anywhere but near my hair, which got a good laugh. He stopped fucking me, climbed on top of me and told me to open my mouth. I obliged, and had a mouthful of Australian semen. Once he was off of me, I excused myself to see if I had bled anywhere. Surprisingly, no puddles of blood on the bed–victory! I washed myself in the bathroom before he almost shoved me out of the room. What a nice send off.

I made my way back to my hotel and decided Catherine needed a rest, and so did my phone. And this is how The Daring Vagina fucked four men in 24 hours.

Lesson learned: I fucking love to be choked. Preferably by someone that isn’t a complete pussy about it either though.

The Daring Vagina

Sin City Part 3: The Brazilian

I slept wonderfully after having sex with two different men (with wildly different takes on sex), and I started the morning off again on Tinder, swiping my morning away. Though, I must say, it’s a bitch on your phone if you don’t pay for the WiFi while in Vegas; you’re fighting for signal and it takes so much longer to get a location and everything else that comes with Tinder. I had breakfast with my mother and my aunt (she joined us in the morning thanks to shitty flights), and I continued to swipe and message random men. I matched with two men that caught my eye; both were foreigners, and devilishly handsome. Cue the sucket list!

The first one I talked to was The Brazilian. The Brazilian was, obviously, from Brazil. While playing video black jack and poker I chatted with him. Still on my World Cup anticipation high, I asked him about soccer (or futbol) and he went off on how watching it live was an unbelievable experience, especially on the international level. The Brazilian asked if I wanted to meet up, and I obviously was down to fuck my first foreigner; my companions wanted to play some slot machines so I pretended to keep playing and mentioned I was going to watch some sports (it wasn’t football season, so neither knew nor cared about sports.) Once I figured I was in the clear, I headed to the hotel next door since The Brazilian was conveniently staying there.

I had stayed at that hotel twice and each time I regretted it. But, because I was familiar with the layout, I easily found the elevators to his room. I hadn’t been drinking enough apparently; my butterflies were sky rocket high and causing my palms to become sweaty. Taking a deep breath I knocked on his door. I didn’t know what to expect, but when he answered I was more than happy with what I saw.


This isn't him, but basically....yeah. This was basically him. Swooooon

He was all smiles in his striped tank top and shorts when he opened the door. Besides his slightly smaller frame (including height), The Brazilian was perfect physically; he had muscles, black hair, dark eyes, tattoos and beautiful skin that made me look pasty pale. He invited me into his room and I wasn’t impressed with the hotel–just as I expected; it was a full size bed with a 1990s style television. The bed was dwarfed by the sheer amount of empty space on either side, where The Brazilian had his and his roommate’s things scattered (beer, suitcases, some clothing items.) His accent alone made me wet; his English wasn’t astounding, but hot damn was I ready thanks to those dimples and accent.

He asked me to sit on his sloppily made bed (I’m guessing housekeeping hadn’t come by), and it was almost instantaneous that his hands were gently cupping my face as he leaned down to kiss me. His lips then slowly moved to kiss down my neck until he got to my top’s neckline; he then repeated the process going up to the other side of my neck, gently tugging at my ear lobe. I was in heaven, y’all. This southern bell found someone even more southern to woe her. It didn’t take long until he asked if he could remove my top. When I went to do it he shook his head and motioned that I lift my arms straight up. Passionately kissing me as he leaned forward, his hands artfully un-hooked and removed my bra as his mouth moved lower. His light and feather like kisses, and gentle touches set my body on high alert and almost anything he did to me caused goosebumps to spread like wildfire. I obliged his next request to lay down after he whispered it into my ear; I moved to position myself better on the bed. After he removed my shorts and slightly cute panties, he literally made out with my pussy. He nibbled on my clit, he teased my holes, he licked my freshly shaved lips, and he wrapped his arms around my thighs to pull into me.

The Brazilian mumbled something slightly audible into my thigh in between kisses. I asked him what he had said and before answering me, he buried his face into my pussy to suck on my clit then looked up at me to say: I love big women. This is when I normally dry up and stop any sort of romantic involvement; I am way too into myself to let someone tell me that. However, he was fan-fucking-tastic and I wanted to see what else he had up his sleeves. Or more accurately, in his shorts. He started to stealthily take his clothes off, basically becoming a sex ninja. When I saw his penis I wasn’t unimpressed, I just wasn’t super pumped. It was probably average size and a bit over 5 1/2 inches. He was about to put a condom on and I stopped him I’m his tracks as I quickly, but not that gracefully, got up from my back to suck his cock. It didn’t take long before he wanted me to back off. He couldn’t even describe it in English, The Brazilian used Spanish on me. It was pretty damn hot.

I asked how he wanted to fuck me and he responded that he wanted me on my back. He didn’t have the perfect for me cock, but he knew how to pump away at a girl and I was in heaven. The Brazilian repeated into my ear that he loved my fat and that I was bigger. I literally couldn’t handle it mentally, but Catherine was so into it, how could I deny her? It didn’t take long before he came; he kissed me sweetly right before, during, and after he came. He thanked me before I could even thank him. The man was stealing my own material. He kissed down from my lips to my thighs again as he slid off the bed onto his feet. Almost immediately, he started getting dressed, and feeling weird that I was getting kicked out quickly again, I asked to clean myself off quickly. The Brazilian smiled and told me to relax on the bed for a bit. After a few moments of small talk, he told me which towels to use and I did. Have I ever mentioned I hate white towels and bedding? Because I really do. I noticed blood when I was cleaning myself and I paled–I didn’t even look like me when I looked in the mirror. It wasn’t much but enough to make me uncomfortable about my vagina and how much I hate having an IUD.

I shook off the spotting and quickly dressed, fixing my hair in the mirror as we chatted a bit more. The Brazilian was on his way to meet up with his friends farther down the strip; three were filming a fourth that was in the poker tournament over at a fancy casino. I was about to make my grand exit when The Brazilian told me to wait so he could walk down with me. Once we exited the room, he immediately wrapped his arm around my waist. He walked me to the elevator, kissing the top of my head in almost a loving manner. Slightly different than my normal one night stands, but there’s a first time for everything, right? We rode the elevator down like two very happy and almost in love people.

As we walked, slowly I might add, out of the casino, The Brazilian told me about how he planned on going to school in the US to work on his English. I blurted out , Let’s be friends and I’ll help you with your English! Yeah…I’m not awkward or anything. At least he laughed it off, showing off his beautiful smile in the process. I inwardly sighed because I knew we were almost to my hotel. I told him we were at my hotel. He kissed my forehead again as he pulled me in close, his lips moving to mine while his hands moved to gently cup my face. I secretly didn’t want this moment to end; I pulled him close to kiss him one last time.

Before parting ways, I told him to let me know if he wanted to meet up again. As he smiled at me, he told me he would. I later on messaged with him a bit because, honestly, fucking him was downright amazing. He didn’t try to chew my nipples off, which was a first for me. Normally men are all over them, but he wasn’t, especially for liking “bigger girls.” He actually unmatched me after our conversation. I won’t lie, Catherine was super sad, and the Daring Vagina was left with at least one superbly amazing experience.


Yeah, he had a fun name too. Also, I'm "incredible," so screw you guys that say I'm not!

Lessons learned: We all need to fuck Brazilian men who have their shit together. Especially when they know what to do.


The Daring Vagina

The Student Has Become the Teacher

Coming off of a rather disappointing trip to Portland, I decided to learn from my experience and improve how this vagina operated. I still used craigslist; I didn’t post two weeks out, I posted about a week out. For the first time ever in a post, I included a picture of me. What was it? Your Daring Vagina, double fisting beer in sunglasses. This let the person responding to my ad hopefully catch on that I was A. real and B. I’m pretty fucking fun. I mean, if given the chance, wouldn’t you want to hang out with me? But I digress…


So, I had a LOT of good responses. As in, I had to actually take my post down there were too many responses. Not only were they good responses, I started wanting to move to San Diego for the plethora of attractive men that were into me sexually. Or maybe the idea of a one night stand made them jump at the idea–the possibility is endless! Within the multitude of replies, I found a handful that I was like, 10/10 would bang, and responded to their response. You might be thinking, why wouldn’t you just reply to one? Here is why you don’t limit yourself when you’re in town for a short time:
1. Flakes. 
2. People have friends and family that live in that city and plans come up. Life happens for you like it happens for them. 
3. Flakes. 
4. They may start out awesome and then turn into a creep with some really out their fetishes that they think a one night stand is ok with. Spoilers! No, it’s not ok to tell me you want me to fist your ass because no one else will. 
5. People get sick. Colds happen all the time. 
6. If you have time to sleep with multiple people and want to, do it. Try to beat your 24 hour record! 
7. And did I mention flakes?

Out of all the possible contenders, one went a bit too kinky for me (I will not fuck you with a strap on), one became ill, and the other I saw. See, if everyone was always this planned, we’d all get laid.

Good Guy Greg (GGG) was down to earth; our correspondence was fun, insightful, and while he wasn’t that sexually experienced (I apparently attract those that want to experience all the kinky things), he was more than into everything I liked. We moved to texting and that’s when I found out he really was the male version of me. While a few years younger and in school, he loved and also collected comic books, wasn’t that experienced (I wasn’t at his age either), a huge pale ale drinker, and physically we were the same height, eye color and hair color and type (super cute curls.) We sent some “classy” nudes as pre-game material and I wasn’t disappointed in GGG’s equipment; maybe not the biggest cock out there, but it had girth and if he somewhat knew how to use it, I’d be happy.

I told GGG my combo and he insisted I bring not only my toys, but my lingerie. Being inexperienced, he also shied at condoms, which confused me at first, but I then went on the best shopping experience ever with my gal pal a week before.

So, moving right along! GGG worked doing fishing tours and I happened to be in town during their peak season (who am I kidding, San Diego has perfect weather and probably has tours all year long), and he didn’t know exactly what time he’d be off that Saturday night. I told him I’d stay up for him even though I had to be up and out the door by 5 the next morning for my race. Armed with that knowledge, I played the Tinder swiping game. Big ol’ bust. The one guy I talked to wanted me to come see him at a bar and blow him…at the bar. I’m sorry, I don’t need another sex in public talk by a police officer before I’m 30.

Being somewhere new to me, I wanted to explore!…but I was also tired. I napped not only because I wanted to be awake for sex, but I had literally just finished my last trip the day before and wanted nothing more than to sleep. Is that too much to ask for? I woke up, had AMAZING Chinese food, came back to my hotel and waited until the time he said he’d be off (8.) I heard nothing. An hour later and I’m just passively watching the Spurs game while teaching myself how to toss playing cards into a hat. By 10 I had almost given up when GGG finally texted me! He said he would be right over, he couldn’t get off early, yada yada yada.

When he got there, I wasn’t surprised at all; I was at ease with him without the beer. Good Guy Greg was probably the sweetest guy I’ve ever met off of craigslist. He had brought a backpack with him; inside was my newly discovered and happy to chug Sierra Nevada, comics that he thought I’d like, and some random things. Like The Boy Scout, he was totally prepared for all that was the Daring Vagina.

We started off slow; he came clean he had only had sex with one other person. If he hadn’t told me, I would have maybe said no more than five. GGG was eager to please and also more flustered than I was about condoms. We wasted probably 3 condoms because he’d get soft because he couldn’t get it on. Ladies and gentlemen, this is when I learned how to put a condom on like a mom and not a lover. Just imagine someone putting a condom on you, very un-sexy and un-ladylike, and that was me.

It didn’t take long for him to cum the first time; we braked for him to catch his breath and get turned on again. It was almost like The Forty Year Old Virgin. Almost. The next time was better, he lasted longer and we even tried my combo! To help turn him on, I changed into one of my lingerie pieces. I had brought a few and had GGG pick one. It didn’t take long seeing me in my black and pink outfit before he was hard and ready to go. He came way too quickly and I was left wanting. Thanks for the muscle spasm game being too strong, Catherine.

As mentioned earlier, I brought toys. A toy I brought was my glass dildo. GGG decided he would love to help me cum by using it on me anally. At first I was skeptical, but honestly, it was fantastic. I wish anal was always that slow, and fabulous, and wonderful! The glass dildo may not have made me cum before, but when I came, it was an amazing feeling. After chatting for a bit again and trying to drink more of the beer, I noticed it was after 1am. I groaned a bit, but this was nothing new to me; sleep a little, run a lot, shower the sweat off, sleep until the maid wakes you up, get on a plane and fly home. 

We decided to have one more round in the shower. Did I mention he was exactly my height? Being my height and skinnier than me, it didn’t really have the ability to help get me into any sort of sexual position in the shower. After 10 minutes of it not working, I suggested we try the floor. It would have worked, if it wasn’t for his rightfully paranoid brain of wanting to use a condom. He became too soft and that was that.

Sadly, he left after that. I showered for real, set my alarm and followed through with my plan. I didn’t set a new personal record in the morning, but I did finish and got a sexy ass farmer’s tan.

Good Guy Greg and I talked after that trip; we texted, sexted, and he told me to hit him up if I was ever close to San Diego. Over the following 6+ months, we stopped texting. And when I say we, I mean he stopped responding to my friendly “hey, how are you, how is that gorgeous weather?” texts. I left San Diego with two new comics, and confidence in my sex appeal and skills.


He was Good Guy Greg, for real.

Lesson learned: Being a teacher and helping someone is sometimes just as fun as having experienced sex.

The Daring Vagina

Taking This Vagina Circus on the Road

I’ve got, two tickets to paradise, and if you bring a vibrator I might just cum!

Yeah, I chant that line in my head a lot when I’m not in my city and in the need for sex. Though, I provide my own toys. The greatest gift of this past calendar year for me has been traveling. More specifically, traveling with a nice side of sex. However, if you haven’t noticed, I’m not a bar girl; I don’t go places to let men pick me up. That’s just not me. So, for all of you slightly shy or no nonsense gals/guys, have I got some tips for you on using social media/the internet to get someone in your pants.


Look at Catherine, all smug with a dildo filled suitcase.

How should I find my marathon sex partner, you ask?
That’s a fan-fucking-tastic question; I’m glad you asked! I will use craigslist or tinder. However, they both have pros and cons. 


Tinder: immediate responses once you change your bio to say you’re in town and looking for a fling or when you shoot a pic for a moment of a bottle of tequila with the phrase “want to help me finish this and start something else?” If someone comes on too strong, unmatch. Annoying? Unmatch. Accidentally swiped right? Unmatch. 

Craigslist: you can be direct with what you want. If you want a man with 6 pack abs and a decent cock, there’s a guy out there that will fit the bill. You also don’t have to swipe; you just have to read and judge whatever pictures they send you. Easy, right? 
Both: one night stand sex from the local cuisine! Just wrap it before you tap it!


Tinder: maybe no one you’ve matched with wants sex, or they want it the following day. Bitch, I have a plane tomorrow and the vagina train is wet and ready right the fuck now. If you’re too pushy, they’ll unmatch you. Or, knowing you’re horny, they’ll want to see pictures of your lady/male bits and never intend to meet up. This has happened too much in my life and now I’m just like, ehhh nope. 

Craigslist: flakes. So many flakes. You try to arrange it early, and then something comes up, they get sick, or they just stop texting you back. 

Both: looking nothing like their pictures; that is the single most annoying thing. You’re 40 without any wrinkles or gray hair and your photo looks like a zoomed in early 2000s digital photo? You must look the same!

Now, for those of you thinking that you should take that weekend trip somewhere full of those exotic men you’d love to see between your legs, here are some tips/pointers from the Daring Vagina:

Condoms. Bring them. Bring all of them. I went on my first condom buying experience before a trip (we’ll talk about that later) and it finally made absolutely no sense to me why men are like, I don’t want to buy a pack. Mother fucker, it’s cheaper than a screaming infant or my birth control. 
Traveling with toys in a carry on? I personally say “hell no,” but maybe you want to travel with that 11 inch red dildo and make TSA blush the same shade. I always take out my batteries, bring extra batteries, and my charger in my checked luggage. 
Sexy time clothes. These aren’t always a must, but, if you’re planning out a fantasy with a guy from craigslist, bring all the items. If you want to live up that boyfriend experience, bring the necessary clothes and Advil (for when you say, I’m not in the mood.)
Plan for the unexpected. Out of town sex is all about being flexible. Maybe you’re at a hotel with key entry after 10pm so you have to get them for that booty call. Or you have two full size beds over a king; sex in one and sleeping in the other. Or, the worst, people falling off the face of the earth. This will happen a lot to me. The emails either dwindle or stop completely, and if you’re horny…fuck your life.

All in all, it’s a luck game; you have to play the field a bit too. In my experience, having at least two craigslist options means you might have one show up.

Why am I giving you an overview? Because I’m about to take this vagina on the road! Where we going? Every fucking where. Catherine and I are hitting the west coast, east coast, Midwest…nowhere is safe from this velvety vagina (if I do say so myself!)

Be ready for the traveling chronicles. First weekend: Portland, Oregon, home of the hipsters and no-shows.

The Daring Vagina